Types of engagement rings, who to go to for help picking it out, potential proposal options, where to get married, what kind of wedding, how many more kids, what would their names be, where we would live… all things we had discussed and we had only been together a couple weeks. This is what happens when you put two dreamers in a relationship. We jumped to thoughts of the future very early on, because that’s what dreamers do.
I was always that way, I always had a dream of some kind running in my head. Growing up it was celebrities, then guys I find attractive, but I never took any of them seriously… until I dated another dreamer. It’s all good and well if the relationship is moving forward, but when it crashes and burns, it hurts much worse than any other break up. You’re not just losing the past memories and the now memories, but the huge future you planned together, almost as if you had been together for years.
Now lets add into the equation widows emotions. This was my first relationship post loss, the first guy I seriously talked to for more than a month, only the 2nd guy to make it to date #3, the first to say “I love you” to me, the first guy I thought I could potentially love, the first guy I even considered telling my boy about much less introducing him to (I told my son after we broke up that had dated someone because I needed him to know I might be extra sad… but he hadn’t met him)… he was the first one to make me feel like my dreams could become a reality. And then, in the blink of an eye, it was over & there was a black hole where those dreams had been.
Do you want to know what’s weird? I haven’t been able to dream like that since then. It’s like the black hole is there, waiting to devour more dreams, and my heart aches because it hasn’t been able to dream for the first time in 30 years. Who am I if I’m not a dreamer? I don’t even know who I am anymore, doing things I never thought I would do. Some things for the good, some for the bad, and some just different. Will I ever fully get the dreamer in me back? I don’t know, I guess we will all just have to stay tuned… I’m curious to see how this turns out…