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I’m Glad I had To Let It Go!

Posted by Black Widow Blogger on

I hesitated to post this….but the more I see new members go to this Widow Group I belong to, the more I felt compelled to post this. My husband was murdered. Today, I am so glad I let it go…Beach at sunset

This is a letter to a guy, who is a widow. He lost his wife most tragically. He watched her get murdered.

Dear Sir,

You know my story too. You know that my husband may or may not have killed himself.  My logical brain doesn’t allow me to think he did base on how his body was found. I wasn’t there, and my biggest regret for you as a widow is that you were there when she died. So, I can only have as much empathy as possible because you and I both have kids, you and I both have anger, and you and I both have to live and go on with our lives and function after the most devastating loss; on top of which we bear our children’s grief much more than our own.

All this being said I do want to explain that the universe taught me to appreciate my today. My yesterday died, and there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t prove my husband’s murder, and I had to forgive myself because I couldn’t investigate his death. I had nothing to go by, and police ruled it as suicide due to lack of hard evidence, like fingerprints, like hair, like anything. I don’t have a police report. I only have the autopsy that shows how his blood work and urine were filled with a cocktail of drugs, some of which he was not prescribed.

When I saw my husband’s dead body, my dad was there. My dad was there to see the enormous cut-out hole in his neck, four stab wounds, and his body crushed at one side. My dad took my face in his hands and told me the following, “HE DID THIS HIMSELF, OKAY????  Forget every question you have…you have to forget every question you will always have because you can’t…YOU ARE NOT FINDING OUT!!!!

I tell you that it has taken me 2 1/2 years to understand what that meant. It has taken every fiber of my soul to begin to kill my utter inner resentment over his death. I have an autistic boy. He is nonverbal, and life can be pretty hard, and only I get to live this life. I am now his only living parent.

Today, I look at my son and how far he’s come. I look at the life that I have, and I’m grateful that I was able to provide the best quality of life that I could possibly offer him. I have to consider myself lucky that my only focus for the last almost 3 years was to forgive my husband’s family for doing nothing about his death, heal myself and live for my son.

Let me explain a lot further. I did some research, and I do a lot of “what if”-ing. I think about what if I had spent all my money on detectives and on lawyers and where my life would be if I kept poking at my husband‘s death. I’m very sure that I still would know nothing. I probably would have gone bankrupt and have gained no further knowledge as to how he died.

I am aware of how your wife died, and I am aware of who you accuse so I can’t blame you.

But I blocked you today because watching your Instagram and your Facebook page and watching your kids hold up poster-boards of writing and declarations and putting them online made me think about the “what if’s” that I go through on a daily basis. It realized that I was forced to give my son a better quality of life. I watch you and your children so consumed with her death. It kills me. So I blocked it.

I came to the conclusion that instead of throwing away any chance of a human tomorrow, I could take my resentment, take my anger, and my personal Hell, and shove that so far up my ass and instead focus on my son and on myself. Today, I see how he smiles. I hear his heartfelt laughter at silly things. He still cries…like I still do, particularly on those special days. (Side note: We hate Christmas…but I’m working on making it amazing again.) More importantly, I can appreciate the immense quality of TODAY and TOMORROW. I can at least experience new things and take pictures of today. I chose to post today’s photos on Instagram and Facebook….and these are the pictures that show no signs of yesterday’s attempt to deprive our tomorrow. I’m not in hiding. I am living loudly. My son and I could be killed at any moment, by a murder, meteorite, car accident, whatever have you.

This took me forever to realize (almost 3 years), but I can have thoughts of the good tomorrow times and good today times. I could build great memories about today and appreciate today and not let yesterday kill our tomorrow.

Sir, I urge you to consider the life you and your beautiful children have. Believe me, I too want my justice. I know what you feel you and your children need….but can you consider their future…possibly dropping how consumed you are with her death… perhaps teaching your children to move on? I see your posts, and I know that you are letting yesterday kill everyone’s tomorrow.

I urge you to please change direction. I urge you to drop it.

Middle finger

So put up your big fat middle finger (as shown above) and say this with full conviction “FUCK YOU, YESTERDAY!!! FUCK YOU!!! YOU ARE NOT KILLING MY TOMORROW!! YOU ARE NOT KILLING MY KID’S TOMORROW…FUCK YOU!!!”

“Phewwww…” Wow, that felt awesome!

Seriously, Sir, I say this because I love you. I say this in spite of our horror. I know how painful this is…and yeah, you bet I want justice…but I want my life more! A lot more, and I have the responsibility as a mother to teach my son the same thing.

Thank you.

Supreme Loud Love,

-Diana

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